2 ways moms talk ourselves into (or out of) better health

Do you beat yourself up for not being disciplined or consistent with your healthy habits… at least long enough to see any results?

I want to chat with you about why blaming yourself is actually making things worse, and what you can start doing today to make better progress towards your health goals.

So you’re in this early chapter of motherhood - you have young kiddos, and you are busy.

And your health… well, it’s been better right? You’re struggling to lose that stubborn weight, to stick to your exercise routine, to stick to the diet.

You beat yourself up for being “undisciplined” or “unmotivated” or “just not very good at being healthy.”

This kind of goes back to what we’ve all been taught - this idea that health is achieved by simply forcing ourselves to eat less, and trying to get to the gym more. This is the path to health! It’s supposed to work for everyone.

So if we can’t seem to make it work, or just don’t see great results from it, we’re so quick to blame ourselves. It must be our problem. it’s our fault.

First of all, Mom, health is so much more than calories - especially for moms in our 30s and 40s!

I can tell you that several years back when I had two very active toddlers to keep up with, I struggled having any energy to go about my day, let alone work out consistently! I had all sorts of worsening symptoms (from what I later found out to be an autoimmune condition, Celiac Disease, along with hypothyroidism). So simply eating less and less, and exercising harder and harder would not have actually helped me reclaim my energy, stop the steady weight gain I was seeing, or stop those pesky symptoms (the brain fog, the headaches, the chronic sinus infections).

But, that’s a story for another day!

I want to talk about two big reasons why blaming yourself for sucking at your dieting, your exercise, or your habits is just going to make everything worse:

Reason #1: Self-reinforcement is important

What do I mean by this?

The reality is that improving our health and habits (especially in this busy, tiring chapter of motherhood) is a journey that takes time. And to weather the ups and downs of this journey, you’ll need to be prepared to rely on self-reinforcement (in other words, rewarding yourself!)

Yes, even if you have supportive people in your life - a spouse who’s rooting you on or doing things with you, your accountability buddy or a group at the gym, your doctor, your therapist. Even if you’re lucky to have a support network like this, most of the time, those people will not be sitting there watching you make a good choice, acknowledging your hard work and giving you that pat on the back!

And if you don’t necessarily have a supportive partner - maybe they don’t get this “healthy stuff” or they just have no desire to partake, or maybe your friends make fun of you for your choices - you’ll have even less supportive words or congratulations coming your way.

Let’s try a little thought experiment…

Imagine you were a really great gymnast, about to do your routine. You’re anxious to beat your last record!

And there’s no one in the stands except for one other person watching you.

So just as you’re out there getting ready to start, that one person out in the stands starts yelling,

“But you kinda suck though!”

“You weren’t able to do it last time, why are you bothering!”

“You’re never as good as you want to be!”

“You always screw up at this one part! Oh and you look horrible in that leotard!”

How sad does it sound to imagine someone shouting that at us from the stands! But Mom, this is how so many of us are speaking to ourselves in our own heads! The voice of our inner critic.

Our inner critic is right there with us all the time, messing with us. It’s convincing us that we clearly don’t have what it takes. And it’s priming us to expect failure, expect defeat. No wonder we feel so defeated! That is exhausting to be up against all of the time.

So since our greatest supporters aren’t necessarily right there with us all the time to keep us moving, but our inner critic is… we have to train this voice to speak a bit more kindly. To become our biggest cheerleader! To give us the benefit of the doubt and want to see us win, even when things look challenging. Even when we may have messed up in the past.

Our inner voice will be in there saying, Girl, we’re going to do this! We’re going to make this time different. We’re going to figure this out together.

I saw you skipping that late night snack and just getting to bed early, didn’t that make you feel amazing the next day? I think that helped you get to the gym the next day.

Oh my gosh look at you go this week I know you wanted to workout 3x but you did two and that’s still more than last week! You go girl, you’ll get there.

See the difference?!

Our ability to become our own biggest cheerleader, give ourselves praise, and pat our own backs during all the behind-the-scenes moments of our journey, will help keep us going - even when no one is watching or congratulating us.

Reason #2 : The way you talk to yourself will either be what solves your problem, or keeps you stuck inside of it.

Here’s what I mean:

"I always mess up my diet.”

“I can't stick to anything.”

“I must not be trying hard enough.”

“I'm lazy and undisciplined."

“I suck at this whole healthy lifestyle thing.”

“I must be destined to be out of shape. I don’t have the right genes.”

(Queue Taylor: It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me!)

You are slowly turning yourself into the problem, instead of focusing on the REAL problem at hand.

Let’s review the above statements and do some reframing:

• "I always mess up my diet.” - Is your diet too restrictive? Is it not actually sustainable? Is it not giving your body what it needs to function, so your body is always looking for relief (aka, more food?)

• “I can't stick to anything.” Are your habits unrealistic? Can you maybe start slower, change the timing, or change the environment? Do you actually enjoy the things you’re trying to do, or is building a healthy lifestyle a miserable experience for you?

• “I must not be trying hard enough.” Is it possible the strategy itself is just not working, and is not what you need right now? Is it time to pivot?

• “I'm lazy and undisciplined." Is this more an energy problem - is there an underlying health issue you don’t know about, or are you not getting enough sleep? Is this more a motivation problem - have you taken the time to understand WHY this is even worth the time and effort?

• “I suck at this whole healthy lifestyle thing.” What do you think a “healthy lifestyle” is supposed to look like? Is it possible that there’s many different versions of a healthy lifestyle, and you just haven’t found your version yet?

• “I must be destined to be out of shape. I don’t have the right genes.” Genes are only one piece of the puzzle - your daily lifestyle and your habits matter. So how can we switch things up and experiment a bit, so we can see some new progress?

Can you see how many new doors just opened up? And we barely scratched the surface!

Mom, if you want to stop feeling horrible about yourself and also find solutions to your problems, you have to start having different kinds of conversations with yourself!

In the world of behavior change, we talk about two different types of conversations: depreciative and appreciative.

The word depreciative means a gradual diminishment in value. So a depreciative conversation is just that - one that diminishes, and creates this negative, downward spiral.

Let me give an example of a depreciative conversation I might have had with myself a few years ago:

“I’ve been feeling so sluggish for a while now. It’s probably because I never work out. I just can never find the motivation to. Why can’t I get my crap together? Everyone else seems to make it work! I can’t stick with a workout routine for more than a couple of weeks, let alone the rest of my life! Clearly I’m just not disciplined enough.”

Wow, do you see how quickly I went from acknowledging my problem (my sluggishness) to becoming the problem? You could almost feel the downward spiral happening.

In a depreciative conversation, you’re typically:

• judging and assuming things about yourself or the situation

• criticizing, blaming, shaming yourself

• ignoring the possibility of other ideas or perspectives

• narrowing your thinking

• weakening your confidence

• draining your energy and hope

• feeling really pessimistic (I’ll never be able to change or get out of this)

So many of us are having these types of conversations with ourselves on the regular, and we don’t even realize it - and they’re crippling us.

Now on the other hand, appreciative conversations create a positive, upward spiral!

So let’s go back to the previous example and turn this into an appreciative conversation.

“I’ve been feeling so sluggish for a while now. I wonder what could be causing it because I definitely haven’t always felt this tired! My sister just found out her thyroid is off... maybe I should get mine tested? I should make an appointment and bring this up to my doctor.

I do know I haven’t been exercising AT ALL lately, either. I don’t know I can tell I just never feel motivated to run over to the gym after a long workday. But I remember when my friend and I used to walk all the time... I actually looked forward to that, and always did feel great after!

Maybe at least for now, now I could focus on walking every day after dinner. I can take the kids with me - they could use the fresh air too, and maybe they’ll feel more ready for bed after...”

In this conversation, I avoided becoming the problem - the problem here is my sluggishness, not ME. And I was open to finding solutions.

Appreciative conversations like this:

• focus on meaning and solutions

• involve brainstorming

• add knowledge, ideas, perspectives

• deepen your understanding of something or a situation

• uplift and energize yourself

• leave you feeling inspired or motivated

• increase your confidence

• leave you feeling optimistic that you’ll figure this out

So let’s compare. In that first example, I was:

• hyper-focused on the negative

• becoming the problem

• very critical of myself

• making assumptions

• ignoring any other possibilities

• feeling pessimistic about the future

• sounding close to giving up

But in the second example, I was:

• witnessing patterns

• getting curious

• desiring to problem-solve

• brainstorming

• seeking more info

• seeking more support + other perspectives

• optimistic about the future

• wanting to move forward

"Your conversations help create your world. Let your words *bind up* wounds, not cause them." - Chinese classic text and foundational work of Taoism

So mom, try to notice how you speak to yourself. Pay attention! Catch yourself being like that person in the stands during your gymnastics routine, getting in your head and messing with you. Catch yourself going down a spiral, or struggling to see a path forward. Witness this happening and get curious:

• Am I making an assumption about myself, or jumping to conclusions about what’s going on?

• Do I need to think about this differently?

• Could I be missing something?

• What else might explain what's going on?

• Do I need more information about something?

• Am I just tired, or hungry, or thirsty right now? Do I just need to sleep on this?

• Do I first need to calm my body or release some stress so I can think more clearly about how to move forward?

• What would it look like if I fiercely defended myself, the way I would my best friend or my child?

The more frequently you do this, check in with your inner voice, check in with the types of conversations you’re having with yourself, the more positive, helpful, productive, and solution-oriented you’ll become. And the more likely you’ll be to keep moving forward towards your health goals.

Here for you, Mom.

If you’re in a place where you could really use more personalized support, I encourage you to check out my Healthy Mom Kickstarter 3-month coaching program. I offer free consultation calls to see if it’s the right fit!